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Since there's very little grief training in our culture, people are often surprised by how hard their grief hits them. We usually don't know what to expect until we experience a major loss and begin to suffer the consequences.
It's important to understand that grief is a pervasive experience that impacts the whole person. It's also important not to be afraid to experience grief symptoms. Many people try to put their grief aside and "get over it," but this only delays the healing process. As you go through the grieving process, you'll probably experience three distinct phases of grief (sometimes broken into four, five, or seven different stages). You will progress through them at your own pace, may skip some stages, or may even go back and forth between them. It is important to remember that the grieving process is highly individualized, and that there is no "right" way to grieve.
Most people experience this as their initial reaction — shock, numbness, a feeling of disconnection from reality, and denial that the loved one is gone. In this initial phase, our minds begin to adjust to the loss of our loved one.
Because this is such a difficult time, thinking about or experiencing grief constantly is too painful, so we go back and forth between believing and refusing to believe that the loss has happened. It's critical to give ourselves time to adjust to the loss and to come to terms with it. This stage can last as long as several weeks.
This is a time of chaos, sadness, and struggle, as we try to adjust to the world without our lost loved one in it. During this phase, we are intensely aware of the reality of our loss, but we continually try to escape it. This is a period of exhaustion and intense emotion, and the grieving person will often experience dramatic mood swings. Normal emotions at this stage include anger, extreme sadness, depression, despair, and jealousy of others who haven't suffered the same loss. During this stage, people begin to understand all the implications of the loss and begin to rebuild their life. This stage can last a year or more.
This stage is also known as acceptance, and emerges as the bereaved find a new balance in their lives. People in mourning become aware that the physical signs of their grief are beginning to fade and that they are less exhausted than they once were. The pain of the loss remains, but the unbearable intensity of it recedes, and people begin to experience hope again. Life begins to seem possible again.
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